When noticing comments in the news, articles and social media, stating the need for us to “be strong”, it reminds me that there is a lot of misperceptions around that word which needs to be redefine.
In our culture, when we perceive someone in a position of authority such as a boss or politician, as being “strong”, we typically see them as confident and self-assured. That in turn can create a covert assumption of them being competent. But in reality, that “strong” person is more likely suppressing a lot of emotions and putting up a wall of defensiveness to appear invulnerable and avoid being “caught off guards”. That illusion can partly explain why some remain loyal to bosses or politicians even when they are acting way out of ethical/lawful norms.
In times of adversity or loss, “being strong” can mean, in part, to contract against and prevent the natural expression of sadness through tears. In our increasingly automated fast pace, emotions are often seen as embarrassing, or even irritatingly illogical. It’s as if, in collusion with the pervasive technology in our lives, we resent the derailment away from its efficiency when we are “being emotional” which make us feel uncomfortable and out of control.
Accompanying this illusion, a subtle bias prevails in that rather than being “emotional” we much prefer to stay in doing mode and avoid being inconvenienced by human emotions. This bias fails to acknowledge the multitude of mind-based micro-actions we can take which are important seeds preceding outward actions. For example, choosing to adopt a different attitude, letting go of limiting beliefs, forgiving, shifting perspectives, reframing, or harnessing important insights, acknowledging our inner conflicts, etc. These are all micro-actions of the mind that can then inform wise actions and decisions as part of a strength-based course correction on the trajectory of our life.
Here’s an acronym for my redefinition of Strong:
- S – self-regulate to bring yourself back to a state of calm
- T – transcend the mind’s tendency to dwell in past or future
- R – reframe adversity and challenges as learning opportunities
- O – open to new perspectives and possibilities
- N – nurture self-compassion while embracing your emotions
- G – ground yourself in foundational core values, and resilience
And off course, there are times when being “strong” in the conventional way, or self-contained can be most appropriate. For example, if you have a sick child in hospital, you may need to hold back tears and fears as not to alarm or cause more worries in the child’s mind. But between adults, the fear we have of appearing weak or diminished by expressing sadness or apprehension is usually dissipated by the alchemy of a wondrous paradox.
That is, when we courageously allow ourselves to open and share from our inner most tender places with those closest to us, we become endeared in their heart. A dynamic akin to alchemy, the soulful truth of our vulnerability, when expressed, has a residual beauty that touches others, especially when they can meet that vulnerability with compassion and empathy. At work or in personal lives, let’s remember that embracing our emotions and inner resources will also enable us to access our invaluable intuition, our wisdom and our resilience thereby supporting our true authentic strength.
