Regrets – many of us have them, especially in the second half of life. They can be painful; such as the story I shared in my book Living Forward, Giving Back, about an older woman who experienced regrets as intolerable agony while nearing the end of her life. In a recent a recent article entitled “The Ideal Road not Taken” research psychologists at Cornel University wrote about new insights on what can lead to regrets, after conducting several studies with hundreds of participants. As part of their synthesis of results, they concluded that our sense of Self comprises of 3 elements or parts.
The first is called “actual” self; what you actually have, do and are, including your qualities, strengths and weaknesses. The second dimension is the “ideal” self which comprise of your aspirations, your higher purpose, and the qualities you want to develop as the best version of your self. Thirdly, your “ought-to” self is most often an expression of your cultural upbringing with its implied expectations. This includes getting a job, paying the bills, raising a family, and meeting your responsibilities while conforming to the norms of societal messages about what it takes to be happy in this world.
What these psychologists discovered from their research is that some participants had regrets about things they missed out on or did not do in relation to their “ought-to” self. But, by far, they found that more people have painful, searing regrets later, when they have, willfully or not, abandoned their dreams and failed to act on the calling of their “ideal” self. Conversely, acting on our aspirations to fulfill them makes our lives more meaningful, engaging and it empowers us because the more courage we gather and put into action, the more we get back.
Once, years ago, in the midst of travel, I was suddenly reminded of a dream I had once held in mind and heart and had abandoned, believing it was not possible. Then, I heard the inner whispers of my ideal self sharing its wisdom with this statement:
“Your dreams are like the children of your soul. If you let them vanish out of sight you risk later awakening to intense pain as if you had abandoned your very own real children.”
Sometimes, we realize in midlife that some of the dreams we had in our youth are not going to be realized. If we acknowledge that and come to terms with this in full awareness, it will help prevent a dream from festering or leading to regrets. But many youth-driven dreams can later morph and be re-cycled into new exciting opportunities in midlife and beyond.
As a coach for over 10 years, I have been blessed with the satisfaction of helping numerous people to realize their dreams; at life’s crossroads, they made choices that also fulfilled their ideal self. If you are longing to hear and heed the calling of your ideal self, consider a complimentary consultation. With me guiding the process of a coaching program, you can step into your destiny and confidently alter the course of your life to experience your very own unique version of happiness.
Isabelle
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